Jillian: The Remix

Another whole decade now weighing upon her
Poor Jillian worries she’ll soon be a goner:
“Perhaps reinvention
Will cure apprehension?
I don’t yet know how, but I’m gonna!”

Maybe something’s amiss with my lifestyle or diet?
I’m honorably qualified, certain to find it! (just on the quiet)
And as I’m precocious
At self-diagnosis
Here goes! I’ll leap in and try it.

So she pondered a while (tea and cookies for strength)
Flipped through her notes and her books, when at length
She found a description
That matched her condition
And now it began to make sense …

Could it be that nominative determinism
Has unconsciously influenced all my decisions?
“Jillian” – can I change it?
And “Rae” – rearrange it!
Creating some fresh propositions:

As a temperance advocate I jar nil ale
Or criminal mastermind stuck in real jail
As a laundress of denim, I’ll air jean
Or collect debts of garlic with ail jar lein
A transplanting surgeon renal I jail
Or renovate prisons, and jail renail

Rearrangement alone doesn’t seem to have fixed her
“Oh no,” wailed Jill, “I just can’t find the mixture!”
I need some geeks
To apply their techniques,
And prescribe me the perfect elixir!

“We’ve diagnosed you with consonantitis,”
the geeks said, “We’re sure! There’s no doubt in the slightest!”
“And if their removal
Meets with your approval
We’ll contemplate which outcome’s wisest.”

The geeks got to work on Jillian-rae-stein
“We’ll resect the J, but the I is just fine.”
LL? Obsolete!
NR? We delete!
Then I I A A E redesign.

How ‘bout a creator of bIllIArd tAblEs
Where working out crItIcAl AnglEs enables
The potting of balls
after bouncing off walls
(… this solution seems somewhat unstable …)

We could make her one of those IndIAn AgEnts
Though dealings with invader-native relations
Doesn’t sound so much fun
And we reckon she’d run
Out of platitudes, cookies, and patience.

Or p’raps a career as a mIlItAry AcE
To fly jets, have parades, be moustached and straight-laced?
But she’s not pretentious
And it’s our consensus
Moustaches won’t flatter her face

Last of all let’s consider a crImInAl lAwyEr
Be-gowned and be-wigged, a courtroom destroyer! (courtroom/debating/legal)
But minute points of law
Are certain to bore
And circumlocution annoy ‘er

With cookie and caffeine-fuelled negotiations
And checking and rechecking new calculations
Attempts at decision
Just led to division
And only augmented frustrations

So the geeks admit failure and have to desist
“We’ve found no more optimal way to exist!”
“Jillian” she must stay
And we’ll put back the “Rae”
It’s JoLLy NeaR all that we’d wished.

But will she be nice or try out something naughty?
Turn sporty, or haughty, take up pianoforte?
We just can’t be sure,
the adventures in store
And we’re not keeping score,
cos there’s more to explore …
… for Jillian, now she is forty.

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